Forums  |  Join For Free

Advice For Family & Friends Of Newly Grieving Parents
Written 1999, last updated 2007

• Listen. You don't have to say anything, just lend an ear and a shoulder.
• Never say "you can have another".    Children are not replacable.
• Never say "be thankful for the children you do have".   It does not diminish the loss.
• Never compare the loss of a child to the loss of anyone or anything else (ie a grandparent, parent, sibling, pet, etc).
• If you have never lost a child yourself, please don't try to understand or relate to their grief.
• Don't compare the loss of an infant to a miscarriage.  Both hurt and are devastating, but it is not the same and you should not compare the two.
• Never say things like "at least she/he died young before everyone got too attached".   Parents are attached no matter if a baby lives 1 second or 100 years.
  
• Avoid saying things like "I understand", "It's God's will", "You just have to accept it an move on", and other cliches and "words of wisdom". Stay positive and respect the parents' decisions and feelings.
• Never tell grieving parents they should have had an abortion instead.  Respect their decisions.
  
• Offer rides to the funeral home, help to pick out clothes, babysitting siblings, doing laundry, cooking meals, cleaning, picking up mail, making phone calls, etc.
• Do not remove the nursery, photos, etc until specifically asked to so by the parents.
• Don't hug mom too tightly, new moms breasts are very sore and grieving moms breasts are engorged and very sore. 
  
• Don't forget dads too.  Ask how they are too.
• Have tissues handy.
  
• Easy-to-care for plants are sometimes better for funerals than flowers that will wilt and die.
• Ask what you should wear to the funeral.   Traditional black or are they opting for bright colors.
  
• Encourage the parents to talk about how they feel, but don't push them too hard.
• Realize that the parents will need support, comfort, and help for many years, not weeks.
• Ask questions, find information, seek support for the parents- but realize that there are certain boundaries.
• Don't be afraid to cry too. The parents know that their family and friends are hurting too.
• Don't expect everything to be "normal" someday.
• Don't push them into therapy.  And don't expect therapy to fix grief.
  
• Call the baby by name, not "John and Mary's baby" or other such references.
• Let the parents grieve in their own ways - even parents of survivors need to grieve.
• Ask the parents what they need and make them feel comfortable enough to let you know.
• Don't try to cheer up the parents if they break down crying in front of you...sometimes we need to cry and be sad.  Sometimes trying to cheer us up just makes us feel worse.
• Remember the baby during holidays and other occassions.
• Don't exclude the baby when saying how many grandchildren or nieces or nephews you have.
  
• If you visit, help clean up.  Grief takes all your energy, don't leave them with cooking or cleaning up.
• After the funeral, when everyone goes back to their lives and parents are left alone with pieces of their life..... that's when they need support the most.